if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.