“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.