BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.