My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
You Might Also Like
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex