For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
just pretend nothing happened
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?