Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…