Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.