It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”