[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
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Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
He wanted to make sure😂
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
X-tra spooky blend