I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s