*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…