Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.