If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.