[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.