Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Boom, boom, ching!
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays