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When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
You are what you delete.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Education is vital
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!