you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.