my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You Might Also Like
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.