Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me