Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.