Doing math together is known as fourplay.
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support