OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Before crowbars crows drank alone