Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay