therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.