People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in