judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.