The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
me
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece