Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”