My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
*Seductively hides in the woods
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.