Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Does it…does it take 3 days
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.