DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.