My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”