Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
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*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?