If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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Beware of the dog..
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh