so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
You Might Also Like
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I feel seen.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME