Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.