Schrödinger’s cookie
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible