Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face