5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.