Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
2023 was just a warmup
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: