SF is the wild wild west man
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To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT