Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing