i think both sides are to blame here
You Might Also Like
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous