boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
the clam before the storm
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.