[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me, in DM rooms…
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.