GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,