I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.