Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
emergency phone
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!