HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.