Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
You Might Also Like
BRAKING NEWS!!
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.